


Little White Lies

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-15 08:55:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9227810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Barbara and Tommy have been keeping a secret... events occur that make things more complicated than either of them could ever have imagined





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Clarity of Silence](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/253547) by Cats070911. 



> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

“What do you want to do tonight Barbara?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you surprise me.”

“Surprise you? Oh, that opens up so many possibilities my love.”

Barbara laughed heartily, “it normally does as far as you are concerned.”

I joined her in laughter, “and you hardly ever complain; moan loudly in the throes of ecstasy, but never complain.”

“Why would I complain? Do I look stupid?”

I grinned at her impishly, and she playfully punched me on the arm, “you are so lucky that I love you Lynley!”

“I know I am, even if you won’t let me tell anyone about us.”

“You and I both know what will happen if our relationship becomes public; Hillier would split us up, your family would disapprove, and I would be left with nothing.”

“I would never leave you Barbara.”

“Not intentionally.”

“I don’t know what I have to do to reassure you?”

“Can we not row Tommy?”

“I don’t want to row with you Barbara; I want to reassure you that I love you and that I am never going to leave you.”

“As I said, not intentionally.”

I decided not to say anything further on the subject, it wasn’t worth upsetting her any more than I already had.

“Do you still want me to surprise you tonight?”

“I always want you to surprise me Tommy.”

~*~

I loved that Tommy wanted to ‘go public’ with our relationship, but I couldn’t allow him do it. Hillier would be apoplectic, and Tommy’s family would never accept us being together. I was just about suitable casual girlfriend material, but not fitting for anything more. I couldn’t lose him; since he had come into my life, well I actually had one, and now I knew what it was like to have him in my life there was no way I could let him leave. I knew it hurt and annoyed him that I wouldn’t let him tell people that we were together, but it was the only way as far as I could see.

We pulled up at the crime scene and immediately switched into work mode; he was my DI and I was his Sergeant. I scurried behind him, pulling on gloves and then making notes as he reeled off his thoughts and ideas.

It was as he was looking at the body of our victim that I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I looked up and saw a car speeding towards us.

“TOMMY! NO!”

I heard a sickening thud and saw Tommy bouncing off the bonnet before rolling onto the tarmac. My world suddenly became slow motion. I ran to Tommy and it seemed to take years. Cradling him in my arms, I tried to keep him conscious.

“Hang on in there my love, don’t you dare leave me, just you keep hanging on.”

Blood was trickling out of the corner of his mouth. The grimace of pain he wore looked for all the world like a macabre form of smile.

I yelled at the stunned uniformed officers that were staring at us, “for God’s sake someone get me some help!”


	2. Chapter 2

I paced the floor of the relatives’ room; my emotions veering from despair to anger and back again. I was furious that the car had managed to get through the police cordon, and I was devastated that Tommy had been injured and I hadn’t been able to prevent it.

I had called Tommy’s sister Judith and let her know what had happened; I thought that it was better that she told Lady Asherton and Peter than for them to hear it from me. I promised that I would stay with Tommy until they arrived at the hospital.

“Ms Havers?”

I stopped my pacing and turned in the direction of the voice that had spoken my name. In the doorway stood a woman in navy blue scrubs. 

“How’s DI Lynley?”

“He has internal bleeding, and an unstable pelvic fracture. We have taken him to theatre. The next few hours will be critical. I’ll be able to tell you more after surgery. Have you managed to contact his next of kin?”

“I called his sister; she is going to tell the rest of his family and then drive over. His mother lives in Cornwall so it may take a while for her to get here. I told his sister that I would stay here until one of them arrived, they don’t want him left alone.”

“Okay, as soon as there are any updates I will let you know.”

“Thank you.”

As the doctor left the room I collapsed into a seat, my head in my hands. I was trying not to cry; if I started I wasn’t sure that I would be able to stop, and it would have taken some explaining. As far as anyone knew, I was just Tommy’s partner and friend; they would expect me to be upset, but I had to keep my reaction in proportion to my position in his life. I wished that I had listened to Tommy when he had asked me to let him tell people about us, but I couldn’t think about that now. I had to focus on Tommy, he was all that mattered.

~*~

I was woken by the sound of the relatives’ room door opening. Annoyed that I had dozed off, I sat up and nodded in acknowledgement towards Lady Asherton and Judith as they came into the room. Judith was the first to speak.

“Hello Barbara, have they told you anything?”

“The last thing the medical staff told me was that they were taking the DI to theatre. He has internal bleeding and an unstable pelvic fracture. They said that the next few hours would be critical. The doctor has promised to come and update us as soon as there is any news.”

“What happened?”

“A car managed to somehow break through the police cordon at a crime scene we were attending. I tried to warn him, but he didn’t manage to get out of the way before the car struck him.”

Lady Asherton sat down hard, Judith sat next to her and held her hand.

“I’m sure Tommy will be okay Mother, you know how stubborn he is, he’ll fight this.”

I felt uncomfortable, as if I were intruding, and I suddenly wanted to be anywhere other than where I currently stood. I swallowed hard before speaking. “I… I’m sorry but I need to go. I have to go back to the Met, they’re waiting for me to give my statement. You will let me know how he is, please.”

Again, it was Judith who spoke, “of course we will Barbara, thank you for staying.”

~*~

I let myself into Tommy’s townhouse, closing the door behind me and then leaning against it to catch my breath. As I had hurried from the hospital I had fully intended to go back to the Met, but then I had remembered that, although Tommy and I didn’t officially live together, I had quite a bit of stuff at his home. If his family came back there then I would have a lot of explaining to do, and I really didn’t feel up to that, so I had caught a cab to my car and then had driven over to Belgravia.

I pushed off the door and raced up the stairs to our bedroom. Pulling a bag from the bottom of the wardrobe, I began to work, methodically going from room to room, gathering every item of clothing, my toiletries, and any other personal bits and pieces that I had left there. Once my bag was packed I did a second walk through of the house to make sure that there was no trace of me having stayed there, before locking the door behind me, throwing the bag in the boot of my car, and then heading to my originally intended destination, the Met.


	3. Chapter 3

I gave my statement and was then summoned by Hillier, where I was told in no uncertain terms that I was to have nothing to do with the investigation into Tommy’s hit and run, and that I was to be placed on desk duty until further notice. If Hillier had expected me to argue with him or question the thinking behind his actions then he was disappointed; I had neither the energy or the inclination, and instead I just nodded in what I hoped were all the right places. Eventually he allowed me to escape, telling me that I should go home and get some rest; I didn’t argue with him about that either.

I closed the front door and leant against the wall. Now I was finally alone I could give in to all the emotions that I had kept so well hidden. I slid down the wall, landing on the floor with a bump, and the tears began to flow. I howled in agony, sobbing so heavily that I ended up fighting for breath. I wanted Tommy to be there, to hold me as he had outside the pub in Suffolk, to comfort me and tell me that everything would be okay.

I hadn’t heard anything from Tommy’s family or the hospital. I wanted to go to him, to be by his side, to hold his hand and tell him that I loved him. Once again I wished that I hadn’t been so selfish and so bloody-minded; Tommy and I loved each other, we had nothing to hide, but I had been so scared of losing him that I hadn’t dared take the risk, or let him take it. How stupid was I?

I wiped my eyes with my hands and rummaged in my bag for my mobile phone. I did a search for the hospital number, hit call, and then waited for them to answer. I focussed on my breathing, trying to calm my racing heart. I was frightened, but I didn’t know if it was the knowing or the not knowing that terrified me the most.

Ten minutes later I threw my phone across the room in frustration. Because I wasn’t Tommy’s next of kin they refused to give me any information; not believing me when I said I was his partner and his friend, and that I had been with him when he was admitted. I had tried to call Judith, but her phone was switched off, as was Lady Asherton’s. No matter what avenue I tried, I hit a brick wall at every turn.

Exhausted, I hauled myself up off the floor and headed for bed; not caring that I hadn’t eaten or showered, I hadn’t even got the energy to get undressed. I stumbled through the bedroom door and slumped face down on the bed.

~*~

I was woken by my phone ringing. I reached for it on the bedside table, before remembering that I had thrown it across the room. I dived off the bed and ran into the hallway, managing to snatch up the phone and answer it before the caller rang off.

“Havers!”

“Barbara, it’s Judith. I’m sorry I couldn’t call you earlier.”

I did my best to keep my voice steady and to not sound too demanding. “Not a problem, how is he?”

“They’ve stabilised his pelvis with an external fixator so that they could take care of the internal bleeding. They are going to need to perform something called an internal reduction, where they fix his pelvis with pins, plates and screws, but that is going to have to wait until they are sure that they have his bleeding properly under control. He has some swelling on the brain, but fortunately no bleeding. They’ve put him in a medically induced coma in order to give him the best chance to heal.”

“And how are you and your mum?”

“We’re doing okay. We’re staying at Tommy’s, Mother is asleep upstairs.”

I was relieved that I had thought to collect my belongs. “Is Peter coming to see his brother?”

“He’s overseas at the moment. I’ve told him what is going on, but didn’t see the point in him flying back until we know what is going on.”

“You should get some rest too Judith, so I’ll let you go. Thank you for updating me.”

“Will we see you at the hospital later?”

“Possibly, it depends on work, but I’ll do my best to stop by.”

I ended the call and walked back to the bedroom, putting the phone on my bedside table with a shaky hand. I looked at the clock, it read half past midnight. I decided that I might as well have a shower and head in to work; I wasn’t going to get any further sleep tonight.

I let the shower run to warm the water while I stripped off my clothes. As I took off my underwear I was hit by a wave of nausea. I just made it to the toilet before I was sick.

Twenty minutes passed before I felt it was safe enough for me to move. I rinsed out my mouth over the hand basin, cleaned my teeth, and then headed into the shower, thinking that perhaps the events of the last few hours had affected me more that I had realised. 

~*~

“Barb? Barb?”

I lifted my head from my desk and looked around in confusion, before realising that I must have fallen asleep.

“Sorry Winston, I didn’t get much sleep. Was there something you needed?”

“No, I was worried about you, and I didn’t think that you’d want Hillier to catch you dozing.”

“I wouldn’t, thanks.”

Winston put a mug of coffee down in front of me. The smell made my stomach turn, but I smiled at Winston to show my appreciation, before discretely edging the mug away to the other side of my desk.

“How’s the DI?”

“Not good, but he’s made it this far so… has there been any news on the car and driver that hit him?”

“Not that I know, but Hillier is dealing with the investigation personally and keeping anyone who worked closely with the DI out of the loop.”

“He needs to be seen to do the right thing, and we wouldn’t want anyone getting off on a technicality. Right, well I’d better get on, I want to try and see the DI at lunchtime. Thanks again for the coffee.”

“No worries.”

I waiting until Winston was occupied by something on his computer before retrieving the mug from my desk. I walked to the kitchenette and emptied the coffee down the sink, before leaning against the counter and catching my breath. I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me today, but I needed to sort myself out, and fast.


	4. Chapter 4

I didn’t get to see Tommy until after work, events conspiring against me even though I was tied to my desk. As I walked along the corridor to the ward that Tommy was on, my stomach was doing backflips and I felt sick again. I focussed on my breathing, and putting one foot in front of the other, fighting the urge to turn and run back to my car. I owed Tommy, even if we weren’t in a relationship.

I sat beside Tommy’s bed watching the bank of machines recording his breathing, pulse, blood pressure and other vital functions. I was glad that I had been delayed as the nurse in charge had informed me that Judith and Lady Asherton had just headed home, it meant that I could spend time with Tommy, talk to him, be honest with him, and be honest with myself.

I took his hand in mine and rested my cheek against it. “Oh Tommy, what have they done to you? I’m so sorry that I couldn’t stop that car from hitting you. If I could swap places with you then I would, if I could take away your pain then I would do so in a heartbeat. I love you so much Tommy, and I hope that you know that. You’ve got to get well, and I promise you that when you do we won’t hide our relationship any more. You can shout our love from the rooftops, I don’t care who you tell or who knows, we’re the only people that matter; I should have realised that earlier. I am so, so sorry.”

I started to cry again, sobbing as hard as I had done at home. I laid my head on his chest, my hand still cradling his, and gave in to what I was feeling.

~*~

My morning started in much the same vein as the day before; me hunched over the toilet being sick. As I sat on the floor with my head resting against the cistern I began to wonder if perhaps there was something more to this than just stress. There shouldn’t be; Tommy and I had always been careful, but the way things were going in our lives at the moment, well, anything was possible. Once I felt that it was safe for me to leave my position next to the toilet, I retrieved my mobile phone and flicked through the calendar app. My heart sank as I counted the weeks, a visit to the chemist was in order.

I was perched on the closed lid of a toilet in a cubicle at work, the pregnancy test in my hand, a blue cross confirming what I had suspected; I was pregnant. There was only one word that came to mind given the current circumstances, and it escaped from my lips before I could stop it; “fuck!”

The rest of the day passed under a cloud of confusion. I was glad that I was on desk duty as I would have been a liability out in the field. All I could think about was that I was pregnant with Tommy’s child and I couldn’t tell anyone. By my calculations, I was about six weeks along, and I was annoyed that my body hadn’t given me any clue until now; or, and I knew that this was more likely, that I had been blissfully ignorant to any signs or symptoms.

When I got to the hospital I was disappointed to find Judith and Lady Asherton at Tommy’s bedside. I had wanted to tell him about the baby, even if I wasn't completely sure he could hear me. He deserved to be the first person I told and, being completely honest, he was the only person I wanted to share the news with.

Lady Asherton greeted me with a tired smile, “how are you Barbara?”

“I’m okay thank you Lady Asherton. How’s Tommy, I mean the DI, sorry.”

Judith reached out and squeezed my arm, “I don’t think the world will end if you call my brother by his name Barbara, you are his best friend after all. To answer your question, they are going to try and wake him up tomorrow. The swelling on his brain was only mild, thank goodness.”

“That’s good news. I should go, they only allow two visitors and you…”

Lady Asherton interrupted me, “we were just about to leave Barbara, so you don’t need to go anywhere.” She stood and kissed Tommy on the forehead, before leaving with Judith.

As the door closed behind them I sat in the chair closest to the top of the bed. I took his hand in mine as I had on my previous visit, but this time I held it against my belly.

“I have some news for you, and I hope that you’ll be happy when I tell you. We’re going to have a baby. I’m pregnant Tommy, you’re going to be a father. You have to get well; our child needs to know their dad.”


	5. Chapter 5

I was trying my hardest to focus on work, but my mind was elsewhere; at the hospital, with Tommy. I had thought about being there when the doctors attempted to wake him, but decided against it; Judith and Lady Asherton had far more right to be present, they were his family.

I rubbed my hand across my forehead, a headache developing behind my eyes. I was exhausted; my thoughts had kept me awake most of the night, and then in the morning I had yet again spent over an hour trapped in the bathroom. I felt as if my body was conspiring against me, and if it wouldn’t have raised awkward questions I would have put in a request for some leave. As it was, I had to carry on as normal.

My mobile rang, derailing my train of thought. Judith’s number flashed up on the screen, so I hurriedly answered it. “Hi Judith.”

“Hello Barbara. I thought you'd like to know, Tommy’s awake and talking.”

I gripped the phone tightly, trying my best not to cry and cursing my emotional instability. “Oh Judith, that’s wonderful news. How is he?”

“He’s a little confused, but other than that the doctors are pleased. They are planning to perform the second pelvic surgery in a few days if he remains stable, not that they see any reason why he shouldn’t.”

I swallowed hard as I walked to Tommy’s office, wanting privacy for the rest of the call. “What makes you think that he’s confused?”

“Just some of the things he’s been saying. He told Mother that he had to get well as he was going to be a father.”

I clamped my hand over my mouth to stifle a sob, but Judith must have heard something.

“Barbara, are you all right?”

I sniffed loudly, tears rolling down my face, “sorry Judith, it’s just the relief that he is going to be okay.”

“He wants you to come and see him.”

“I’m not sure, I don’t want to intrude, he needs his family.”

“Barbara, he wants to see you. More than that, he’s frantic to see you so that he can reassure himself that you didn’t get hurt.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in an hour.”

I walked onto the hospital ward half an hour later than I had said I would be. From the door, I could hear Tommy demanding that someone call and find out where I was. I approached his bed and, while I was pleased to see him, my heart sank; I didn’t think that Tommy would keep our secret any longer.

“Calm down Sir, I’m fine; it just took me a little longer to find somewhere to park than I anticipated.”

“Barbara!” Tommy grinned broadly and held out his hand to me. I smiled back apprehensively but took his hand, resigned to the fact that all of our secrets were about to be revealed, whether I was ready for the fallout or not.

“Judith, Mother; Barbara and I have some news.”

I looked at their faces and then back at Tommy, remembering the promise I had made him and hoping that we were doing the right thing. Tommy squeezed my hand reassuringly.

“Barbara and I are a couple. We're in a relationship, and we're having a baby.”

I waited for the disapproving looks to appear, but none did. Lady Asherton smiled with tears in her eyes, Judith enveloped me in a hug, while Tommy still held my hand tightly in his.

“Why didn’t you tell us Barbara?”

“Because I didn’t think that I was good enough, but mainly because I’m an idiot.”

Tommy laughed, “I still love you, even if you are an idiot.”

“Mother, I think we should leave Tommy and Barbara alone, they probably have a lot to talk about.”

I went to protest, but Lady Asherton silenced me with a gentle hand on my shoulder, “we will come back tonight.”

Tommy nodded absently as his mother and sister left, far too preoccupied with holding my hand and staring into my eyes.

“I’ve been so worried Tommy.”

“I know, I heard what you said to me when you visited. If I could have reassured you then I would have. I’m sorry I put you through so much.”

“Compared to what you’ve been through it’s nothing.”

“Really? So you didn’t move all of your belongings out of my house so that Mother and Judith could stay there without knowing that we were a couple? You didn’t sit here and sob your heart out because you couldn’t stop the car from hitting me or take away my pain? And it definitely wasn’t you that found out that they were pregnant while the father was in a medically induced coma?”

I raised my eyebrows, surprised that he knew about me moving out my stuff but assuming he had guessed as much if either Lady Asherton or Judith had told him they were staying at his house and hadn't said anything about finding female clothing and toiletries present in the property. “As I said, it was nothing.”

“Barbara, please. You have to start believing in your self-worth, and in how much you mean to me. You are the love of my life, my soulmate, the mother of my child, my reason for getting up in the morning, my reason for wanting to get out of this hospital bed and get well. I love you, and I want to marry you.”

“Marry me?”

“Yes, marry you. I know that it is going to be a while before I am back on my feet again, but when I am, I want to take you as my wife, and for you to take me as your husband. What do you say Barbara, will you marry me?”

I nodded, tears pooling in my eyes. I was so happy. Marrying Tommy, having a baby with him, it was everything that I had dreamed of, but at the same time believed would never come true. I rested my head against his chest, feeling his fingers sifting gently through my hair.

“I promise you Barbara, I will spend every day for the rest of my life loving you and taking care of you and our child. You and I are never going to hide again.”


	6. Chapter 6

When I arrived at work the following morning I had a smile on my face that I thought nothing could erase. I was happy; it was a novel experience, but one that I hoped to get used to.

I hung my coat over the back of my chair and turned on my computer. I was rummaging in my bag for my phone when a shadow fell over my desk. I looked up and saw Hillier standing in front of me.

“Good morning Sir, is there something that you need?”

“I’d like to talk to you in my office Barbara; are you free now?”

“I can be Sir.”

“Good; if you would walk with me.”

I fell into step beside him, wracking my brain as to why he needed to speak to me and, more to the point, why he had come to see me himself rather than getting his secretary to call or send an email. He opened his office door and stood back to allow me to enter before him. As he walked around his desk he gestured for me to sit. I did, and folded my hands in my lap, trying not to fidget.

“I expect you want to know why I need to speak to you?”

“I am a little confused Sir.”

“We have identified the driver of the car that hit Inspector Lynley. Do you remember Robin Payne?”

My hands flew to my mouth as a chill ran through me. Hillier leant forward in his chair, compassion evident in his expression.

“Detective Constable Robin Payne? But why? I was the one… oh god, he wasn’t trying to hurt Tommy, was he? He wanted to hurt me.” A wave of nausea washed over me, and I knew I was going to be sick. I pushed back the chair and ran from the room, dashing to the ladies and falling to my knees in the nearest available cubicle.

Thirty minutes later I shakily made my way back into Hillier’s office.

“Sorry about that Sir.”

“Sit down before you fall down Barbara. Can I get you some water?”

I nodded. As he handed me the glass my shaking hands caused the water to spill all over me. I burst into tears. Hillier took the glass, placing it on his desk before handing me a tissue.

“I understand that this has come as a huge shock to you Barbara, but I want you to know that we are doing everything we can to find Robin Payne. Although you are on desk duty, it might be a good idea if you were to take some time off, go away for a while.”

“You think he knows where I live?” Panic began to envelope me, “I need to warn Judith and Lady Asherton.”

“Aren’t they staying at DI Lynley’s house while he is in hospital? I am sure they will be okay…”

“No, they won’t be. If he knows where I live, then he knows where Tommy lives.”

“I don’t understand DS Havers; what are you trying to tell me?”

“Tommy and I are engaged; I’ve stayed at his house, and he has stayed at mine.”

To his credit, Hillier didn’t erupt, instead he calmly picked up his phone and issued his orders; sending uniformed officers to Tommy’s house and to the hospital. My mind was racing; if Robin Payne was after me then I needed to get as far away from Tommy and his family as possible, I couldn’t put them at risk. I stood and headed for the door.

“Where are you going DS Havers? We haven’t finished talking.”

“We have. I’m sorry Sir, but I have to go.”

I dashed through the office and hurried to my desk, gathering up my coat and bag. Winston stepped in front of me. “What’s wrong Barbara? What did Hillier want?”

“I can’t… I just… I’m sorry Winston.” I brushed past him and ran out to my car. As I slid into the driver’s seat I remembered that I still had the bag of belongings that I had retrieved from Tommy’s house in the boot; they would have to do, I couldn’t risk going home. I started the car and heading towards the hospital, praying that Robin Payne wasn't following me; I had one final thing to do before I disappeared.


	7. Chapter 7

I was furious and confused. Two uniformed officers had turned up and were currently prowling up and down the corridor outside my door, but no one would tell me what was going on. I was just about to demand someone bring me a phone so that I could call Barbara when she walked into the room. One look at her face and I knew something was terribly wrong.

“Barbara? What’s happened?”

My concern ramped up when she wouldn’t sit next to me or look me in the eye. She stood at the end of the bed, shifting nervously.

“Please talk to me Barbara. I know something is going on because of my two guards, but no one will tell me what is happening.”

“I’m so sorry Tommy.”

Barbara still wouldn’t look at me, which worried me more than anything else that was going on. I had no idea what she was apologising to me for; it was like getting blood out of a stone.

“Sorry for what? For god’s sake Barbara, tell me what the hell is going on because you’re beginning to scare me.”

“I want you to know that I love you, I have done for the longest time, and that no one will ever take your place in my heart. Being with you, being loved by you, it is more than I ever dreamed of, more than I ever thought possible. I just hope that one day you will understand and forgive me for what I’m about to do.”

I felt my stomach drop, I knew where this was going and I had to talk her out of it.

“No Barbara, I won’t understand and I definitely won’t forgive you. It’s not just you and I now, there’s our baby to think about; you can’t go all lone wolf on this. Whatever is going on, whatever is happening, we will face it together, as a family.”

“Damn it Tommy, I’m the reason you’re lying in this bed. It was supposed to be me, you were collateral damage. I can’t stay with you, there’s no way I can stay with you. I can’t be responsible for you getting hurt again, or for anyone else becoming a target. I didn’t choose this; if there was any other option, if there was a way that I could stay with you then I would.”

I was getting desperate, and if I could have climbed out of bed and pulled her into my arms then I would have because I was running out of ideas. Barbara seemed determined to paint a target on her forehead and shout ‘come and get me’.

“At least tell me what is behind all of this, I think you owe me that much.”

Barbara sighed, but then walked round the bed and sat down beside me. I felt a small glimmer of hope, and grabbed her hand, holding it tightly in mine, determined to keep her with me.

“Do you remember Detective Constable Robin Payne?”

“The child killer that you hit with a rock in order to rescue that little boy? I remember him.” Now she was talking I wanted to keep her with me as long as I could.

“It seems that he is out of prison and bearing a grudge. Hillier called me into a meeting today, they have found out that he was the driver of the car that hit you, but you weren’t the target, I was. Hillier also believes that Robin Payne knows where I live, which is why you have uniform outside your hospital room. They’re also at your house; I had to tell him that we are engaged, I couldn’t leave your mum and sister unprotected. Hillier thinks that I should go away for a while.”

“I don’t give a damn what Hillier thinks! Hillier isn’t part of our relationship. Barbara; since the day that we met we have known that we are better together than apart. What we have, the love that we share, the family we are building, that is all that matters. Stay with me Barbara, let’s see this through together.”

“I don’t know Tommy; my head is telling me one thing; my heart is telling me something else. Do you know how bad I feel, knowing that I am the reason you are lying here? I don’t want to be the reason that someone else gets injured or killed.”

I didn’t risk letting go of Barbara’s hand, but I began to stroke her palm with my thumb. “I do know; I was there when you were shot, and seeing you lying there, bleeding out on the ground was one of the most painful experiences I have ever gone through. Stay with me Barbara, together we can face anything.”

She looked up at me, tears streaming down her face, and once again I cursed the fact that I was trapped in my hospital bed. I wanted to hold her, I wanted to comfort her, but unless she yielded there was nothing I could do except hold her hand.

“Barbara, I know that there’s not much that I can do physically right now, but let me support you emotionally. We’ve both done the running away and hiding thing, and it didn’t turn out well for either of us; I tried to drown myself in whiskey and…”

“And I turned into a bitter, twisted and poisonous hag.”

“No, you didn’t. What I am trying to say, what I have been trying to say since this conversation began is that we are in this together. Couples love each other, friends support each other, police partners are there for each other, they have each other’s backs. We are all of these things, and I think that makes us pretty invincible. Robin Payne is not going to destroy us Barbara, I’m not going to give him the chance.”

Barbara leaned forward and took up her now familiar position, her head resting on my chest. As she sobbed I stroked her head, the action soothing us both. I just hoped that I had convinced her not to put herself at risk; I couldn’t manage without her.


	8. Chapter 8

Barbara was fast asleep, her head still on my chest, my arms holding her as close as I could, when Mother and Judith bustled through the door.

“We’ve had a police escort all morning; what exactly is going on… oh, I’m sorry Tommy.”

“Shush Mother, please try not to wake her. Robin Payne, a now ex-police officer that Barbara and I arrested for child abduction and murder has been released from prison and it appears he is bearing a grudge against us. Barbara was told all about it by Hillier earlier today, and to protect you both she also told him about our relationship. She is in a highly emotional state, blaming herself for my injuries; it took me a long time to talk her out of going after him on her own; or at least I hope I have. She cried herself to sleep about an hour ago; she needs to rest.”

“Do you want us to come back later Tommy?”

I smiled at Judith, “you wouldn’t mind?”

“Of course not. You and Barbara have a lot to sort out, and you can’t do that with Mother and I hanging around. We’ll call and see how you both are this evening.”

“Thank you. I’ll talk to you both later, but promise me that you will do everything the police tell you to.”

“We will Tommy.”

While Barbara slept I mentally worked through everything I could remember about Robin Payne. I could understand why Hillier was worried about Barbara; Robin had developed an unhealthy fascination with her, convincing himself that they were in a relationship. When she had sideswiped the Jensen making her escape from him, I had seen how terrified she was. I was in no position to protect her from him, but I had to stop her from offering herself up as a sacrificial lamb.

The door to my room opened again, and I was surprised to see Hillier. He glanced down at Barbara, who was still sleeping, then walked around to the chair on the other side of the bed.

“Lynley.” 

Hillier’s voice was little more than a hushed whisper, I kept mine at the same pitch, not wanting to wake Barbara if I could possibly help it. “Sir.”

“I hear that congratulations are in order.”

“Thank you Sir. I’m sorry that we didn’t inform you of our relationship, but it didn’t affect our working partnership, and we only became engaged yesterday.”

“I think that that is the least of our problems at the moment. Has DS Havers told you what happened?”

“Yes Sir. She came to tell me that she was going to try and draw him out, but I had to talk her out of it. Barbara’s pregnant Sir, I don’t want her or our child put in danger.”

“Another secret? Honestly, you two do make my life complicated.”

“It’s not intentional Sir.”

Hillier raised his hand to silence me. “I know Tommy, and when this is all over and done with I will need to sit down with you and Barbara, and decisions will need to be made. Until then, as I said, your relationship is the least of our problems. When are you due to have your second surgery?”

“They told me yesterday that it would hopefully be in a couple of days if I remain stable. To be honest, I will be glad when it is done and I can get up and about again. I know I won’t be back on my feet properly until I’ve undergone the physio, but at least I won’t feel so useless, nor will I be quite such a sitting duck.”

“It is quite a long recovery period from what I understand.”

“They’ve told me that I’ll be on crutches for eight to twelve weeks, back to normal in four to six months. I was thinking of taking Barbara down to Howenstow once I am up and about, I can have my physio there.”

“He might track you down there, he only has to Google your name.”

“He might, but right now I am more concerned about keeping Barbara safe. At least we will all be in one place, and that should make us easier to protect. In London he has the advantage; there are too many places to hide.”

“Do you think Havers will agree?”

“Look at her Sir, she’s that exhausted that even us having a conversation over her head hasn’t woken her up. I don’t think she’s slept since my accident. I’m not going to let her go out there and put herself or the baby at risk. We need to do this in a controlled way, and I think Howenstow is the safest place for all of us.”

“Your family will agree?”

“Peter is overseas; I believe he is working at some refugee centre with his current girlfriend. As for Judith and Mother, I know they will do whatever they are told; they’re not likely to put their lives or anyone else’s at risk.”

“I don’t want any of you to run off and try to handle things yourselves. I will keep the uniformed officers at your house and here, and if Havers wants to go home then I will send someone with her, although it might be better if she were to stay at your house.”

“I’ll talk to her Sir, but…” I didn’t finish the sentence, but we both knew what I meant.

“If she won’t go to your house then perhaps they can set a bed up for her here in your room. I know that it’s not normal hospital practice, but I’m sure that between the two of us we will be able to convince them to bend the rules on this occasion. When she wakes, let me know her decision, and if you need my help I will put a call in to the appropriate people.”

“I will, thank you Sir.”

“Right, well, I’ll be off now Lynley, but I will keep you and Havers informed. We will catch him.”


	9. Chapter 9

I woke with a stiff back and an aching neck. I gently extricated myself from Tommy’s embrace, waking him in the process, and rubbed the sleep from my eyes before stretching.

“How are you feeling?”

I ignored Tommy’s question completely and answered with one of my own. “Why did you let me sleep?”

“You looked like you needed it. Have you had any sleep since I was admitted?”

“Yes,” I looked at my watch and saw that it was nearly two in the afternoon, “far too much!”

“Barbara.” Tommy’s voice held a warning, but I chose to ignore that too.

“I need to get going.” I stood and retrieved my bag from the floor. Tommy tried to grab my arm, so I moved out of his reach.

“Where exactly do you need to be?”

I hoisted my bag onto my shoulder and began to walk towards the door, “somewhere where I won’t put anyone else at risk.”

“We talked about this!”

“I never agreed. Forgive me Tommy.”

As I slipped out of the door Tommy shouted my name after me. I acknowledged the two officers outside, “bit of an argument; he’ll get over it,” and then walked briskly towards the elevator. Once inside, I pressed the button for the ground floor and leant against the cold metal wall as it began its descent.

I drove to the hill where Tommy and I had sat together after Helen’s funeral. Tommy was right; what I was doing was reckless and stupid, but I couldn’t see any other way. It was most definitely a fool’s errand but what else could I do?

I didn’t want to put the baby at risk, but I couldn’t just sit around and do nothing. I was the one that Robin had the issue with, whatever form that issue took, and so I would be the one who drew him out from under whichever rock he was currently lurking.

I stared out across London, hoping for a sign, some sort of divine intervention. I sniggered to myself as I pictured the giant National Lottery ‘it could be you’ hand appearing from a cloud to point out Robin’s hiding place, while at the same time wondering just how fucked up my mind had to be to find anything about this situation amusing. 

My mobile rang. Fishing it from my bag I saw that Hillier was calling. I pressed reject and then put it on silent, I didn’t want to speak to anyone just now, and I certainly wasn’t ready for the mother of all dressing downs I suspected both Hillier and Tommy wanted to dish out.

I didn’t have a plan. I needed Robin to find me so that I could put an end to all of this and move on with my life, but I hadn’t worked out the whys and the wherefores. I slammed my hands against the bench in frustration, what the hell did I think I was doing? I was putting the life that I wanted at risk, and I knew that Tommy would never forgive me if something happened to the baby; in fact, I wasn’t sure he would survive losing a child a second time. I was being incredibly stupid and incredibly selfish.

I retrieved my phone and called up Hillier’s number. As I waited for the call to connect I thought about what I was going to say, to him and to Tommy; sorry didn’t even begin to cover it, and I doubted that either of them would accept me saying it. I had a lot of humble pie to eat.

“Sergeant Havers; do you have any idea how much trouble you are causing me?”

“I’m sorry Sir, I thought I was doing the right thing.”

Hillier interrupted me, “excuse me if I don’t believe you; to be honest, I don’t think you thought at all. I put you on desk duty for a reason Sergeant, and it certainly wasn’t for the benefit of my health! Now, where are you and what are you doing?”

“I’m sitting on a bench on a hillside.”

I heard him sigh, “Lynley was right. Do you have a target painted on your back or haven’t you got around to that part of your plan yet? You’re pregnant for god’s sake woman! Get back here immediately, we need to talk.”

I was surprised that Hillier knew that I was pregnant, but if he had spoken to Tommy then I guessed that he had told him.

“Well Havers; are you coming in or do I have to send DC Nkata to come and get you?”

“I’m coming in Sir.”

“Good, come straight to my office when you arrive. I will see you shortly.” 

“Yes…” he ended the call before I could get the second word out. I knew that I was in trouble, but I also knew that anything he and Tommy had in store for me was preferable to what Robin probably had planned. Decision made for me, I headed back towards my car.

As I approached it I saw someone leaning against the driver’s door. I stopped in my tracks, fear gripping my heart as the person turned to face me.

“Hello Barbara.”


	10. Chapter 10

“Robin.” I was relieved that my voice sounded steady, it wouldn’t do to show him that I was scared.

“You remember me? I’m surprised, you didn’t visit me once in prison.”

“I’m sorry...”

“Do you think that sorry makes everything okay? You and I had something special, and you left me.”

“I wasn’t apologising for that, in fact I wasn’t apologising at all! You killed a child Robin, and you kidnapped another one. What was I supposed to do?”

“You were supposed to understand!”

“Understand what exactly? You were a police officer, you were supposed to uphold the law, not break it.”

“I had my reasons.”

“No, you had excuses not reasons; there is no justifiable reason on this earth for what you did, just as there was no reason for you to drive a car at DI Lynley.”

“He took you away from me. I’ve seen you together, cuddling and kissing in his car, him going into your house or you going into his and not coming out until the morning. Didn’t notice me, did you? You were so wrapped up in each other, I had to teach you both a lesson.”

“There was never any you and I, and there never will be.”

Robin’s face broke out into an evil grin, and I felt even more afraid than I had before. I felt in my pocket for my phone, wondering if I could somehow use it without letting Robin know. I thought he would notice if I suddenly said ‘hey Siri dial 999’.

“You’d like to think that, but your beloved Tommy isn’t here to save you now. It’s just you and me Barbara; you run and I will chase you, and believe me when I say that once I catch you, you will regret running in the first place.”

“The Met know everything, you’re not going to get away with this.”

“And how are they going to stop me?”

I swallowed nervously, he had a point. His smile grew wider.

“I thought as much. Now, are you going to play nicely and walk with me to my car, or are you going to make a fuss. Choose wisely Barbara.”

I could hear the thinly veiled threat in his speech, and I was torn, caught between a rock and a hard place; if I got in the car then no one would have any idea where I was, but if I didn’t then… My mind was racing; it was early enough for there to be plenty of people around, and for them to notice if I created a scene. If I were fortunate then someone might step in to help me, at the very least someone might note down the registration and phone the police; it was the only viable option open to me.

“I’m not going anywhere with you Robin.”

“Think very carefully Barbara; I’m going to give you one final chance to do the right thing.”

“I am doing the right thing.” I took my phone out of my pocket and redialled Hillier's number. 

Robin stormed towards me, “give me that phone Barbara!”

“No Robin, I am not going anywhere with you and I am not giving you my phone. I am going to get in my car, leave Primrose Hill and go and see Tommy, and you are not going to stop me. I’m leaving Primrose Hill now, so get out of my way!” I was screaming at the top of my lungs at him, doing anything and everything so that we couldn’t be ignored, and at the same time hoping that Hillier or his secretary could hear me and would send help. I wished I had been more specific in my initial call to Hillier, giving him my exact location instead of saying I was sitting on a bench on a hillside.

Robin’s face contorted in fury, “I am sick of hearing about bloody Thomas Lynley!”

“Why, because he’s more of a man than you will ever be?”

Robin backed me up against a parked car. I still had hold of my phone, and I was going to hold onto it for as long as I could. We were drawing a lot of attention, but no one had stepped forward to assist me. 

“And where exactly is this paragon of masculinity and virtue? I’ll tell you where, he’s lying impotent in a hospital bed where I put him! If you’re so desperate to see him I can arrange it, only you’ll be in the bed next to him!”

“I’d rather that than go anywhere with you. I don’t love you Robin, I never did. I thought that you were nice, and if you hadn’t been a kidnapper and murderer then maybe we might have been friends, but we would never have been a couple. The only man I love is Tommy; the only man I have ever loved is Tommy; he is the only man I ever will love. If he hated me I would love him, and nothing will ever change that. I will love him until my dying day. I will NEVER love you!”

Robin slammed his fist down on the roof of the car that I was crowded up against, and my fear increased exponentially. He seemed oblivious to the crowd around us, a crowd that seemed quite content to watch as basically I fought for my life. If Hillier hadn’t organised assistance, then I was in serious trouble. I had to keep fighting; I didn’t want the next time that Tommy saw me to be on Stuart’s mortuary slab. 

“You’re a bitch Barbara Havers.”

“I’d rather be a bitch than a child killer.”

Robin slapped me, my head hitting the top of the car door. Stunned and dizzy, I tried to regain my equilibrium, I couldn’t give up now.

“Is that your answer to everything Robin? If things don’t go your way you lose your temper?”

Robin went to hit me again; I was resigned to it and braced myself, closing my eyes. The impact never came. I opened my eyes and saw Winston and a uniformed officer struggling with Robin. Relief washed over me, but as I stepped forward to help the dizziness returned. The world faded to black as I crumpled to the ground.


	11. Chapter 11

I waddled into the lounge and lowered myself inelegantly onto the sofa, shifting in an attempt to get comfortable. If everything went to plan, then by the end of the month, this part would be over.

Tommy and I had been through so much to get to where we now were. His pelvis had healed, although it had taken an intensive course of physiotherapy, and when he was tired he sometimes walked with a slight limp. When we thought about what could have happened, how much worse his injuries could have been, a limp was a small price to pay.

I had also been fortunate to come away from my confrontation with Robin Payne with nothing more serious than a bruise and a concussion. It had been the combined stress of everything that had been happening that had made me faint, and after the compulsory observation period and a promise to take better care of myself, I had been discharged.

Making things right with Tommy had taken a lot longer.

“How are you feeling Barbara?”

I looked up to see Tommy standing in the doorway and smiled, “like a beached whale.”

He sat down beside me, pulling me into his arms, “you don’t look anything like a beached whale, you’re beautiful.”

I snorted, but snuggled closer, as close as my bump would allow. “You’re very sweet, biased, but very sweet. We both know that if I were down on Nanrunnel beach, Greenpeace would be trying to save me!”

Tommy roared with laughter, tears streaming down his face, and I was helpless to do anything but join in. When we calmed down, he ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my forehead. “What were you thinking about when I walked in?”

“Sorry, I had drifted away a bit, hadn’t I?”

“I noticed. Anything that I should be concerned about?”

I nestled against his shoulder, allowing him to rest his cheek on the top of my head. “No. I promise you I am not going to do anything that stupid or reckless ever again.”

“We’re past that now. I understand why you did what you did, you wanted to protect me, in fact you’ve always wanted to protect me. From our very first case in Yorkshire to my spectacular fall from grace after Helen died, you’ve always been there, standing by my side, even when I didn’t realise or want to admit that I needed you.”

“We protected each other. We might have fought like cat and dog most of the time while we were doing it, but we both knew where our loyalties really lay.” I stroked my bump affectionately, “I’m just sorry that I put this little one, and our family, at risk.”

“You’re not still beating yourself up over what happened are you Barbara? I told you, we are past that now. You did the wrong thing for the right reason, and I love you for it, even if you did give me a few more grey hairs in the process.”

“They make you look very distinguished.”

“Thank you, but stop trying to distract me and change the subject.”

I got up and walked to the window, looking out but not really seeing what was beyond the pane of glass. Tommy came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.

“Talk to me Barbara.”

I rested my back against him, allowing him to cross his arms over my chest and hold me close.

“Yes, I am still beating myself up about what happened. I never wanted to hurt you, or for you to get hurt, and yet you did.”

“That was Robin, not you.”

“I don’t mean that Tommy, I mean the hurt I caused you in our relationship. All the lies I made you tell people; Hillier, your friends, your family. And don’t tell me that you weren’t hurt; I saw the look on your face every single time I refused to let you tell anyone about us; the look that said ‘you say you love me but you don’t trust me’. Even though things are different now, even though we are building a life and a family together, it still tears me up inside that I caused you so much pain.”

Tommy turned me in his arms, and then lifted my chin to make me look at him.

“It did hurt me when you wouldn’t let me tell people about us; I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but I also understood why you thought the way that you did. If you look at how far we have travelled and what we have now, none of that matters. I love you Barbara, so very much, and in the great scheme of things, all you asked me to do back then was tell a few little white lies. Believe me when I say that those little white lies are forgotten and forgiven.”

"And I love you too."


End file.
